Death Doesn’t Go with the Décor: Reflection of Grief

After my Mother passed, my sisters and I sorted through her things. We picked from her collections from oldest to youngest, one piece at a time. The items we all wanted would be settled with a fair game of rock, papers, scissors. It was hard enough to get out of bed right now, even harder to divide her entire life belongings. Yet, here we were, in our mother’s house, but she wasn’t home.

I unloaded the boxes out of my trunk when I got home. And there she was, my mother. My mother was now an assortment of collectable and uncollectable items. She laid there in a coffee tin full of marbles and a ceramic smiling panda with a broken hand. If I looked hard enough around my mother’s house I would find that broken panda hand in a jewelry box or stationary kit.

I craved her.

I was addicted to my mother and not a fix was out there. I needed her. I needed her friendly face. I needed the unconditional love with that smile which validated everything was going to be okay. I needed tomato soup and grilled cheese. I needed the scent of Cover Girl make-up and Marlboro Lights mixed and somehow smelling beautiful when it radiated from her clothing. I needed to know that when everything in life goes wrong that at least I had Mom. My security in this world vanished. In exchange for my mother, the world gave me half a box of useless, random junk.

The trade was uneven. I accepted pennies over my $100 bill. The emptiness is unbelievable. It’s odd to feel your heartbeat and know its hollow all at the same time. I believe my mom was sacrificed for some big meaningful purpose. I can’t seem to find the rhyme or reason for it, though. Maybe we have all grown from missing her.

As long as I walk the world like I’ve been cheated, I lose.

Truth is, I wasn’t cheated. I was blessed by God himself. I had the best Mother in the world. I had her for twenty-eight wonderful and confusing years. I am brave. I am strong. I am happy. I won.

I placed the broken ceramic panda on a shelf in my house. It doesn’t go with my décor, but neither does my mother’s death. I love that stupid panda.

 

Written By: Sarah Huffer

Succeed At Failing

Still not sure what I want to be when I grow up, but I WILL find it!

 By: Sarah Huffer


I left another job. Looking closer into the situation I’m fearful I’ll never find my spot. Although, all my jobs have felt like home…deep down I know I’m just a tourist. 

Jack of all trades by now. I’m really struggling in the employment area of my life. I sway whether I need to listen to my inner guidance or that my voice is just a spoiled brat. The really fun part is I get to pick the perception.

I’ve decided I’m going to give whatever this is a shot. Whatever this is that calls me, I’m going to listen and see where it takes me. I’ve realized nothing actually takes ME, I take it where IT wants to go. I’m not going to follow anymore. I’m going to lead…for once in my life. I’m going to stand up brave and say “here we go, are you down?” 

And life is ecstatic I finally understand what it’s been saying for YEARS! 

I’ve been so scared to fail. Pretty ironic for a walking wild card. All my carefully planned pieces only get me what I can see. It’s time to take my risks and just screw this all up!Wow! You totally tanked that workshop last night. What a shitty story you wrote or you literally helped zero people.I want embarrassed reactions and I feel sorry for you e-mails.Who knows maybe the dice will land right and I will reach places I can’t even imagine!   I will grow from there.

I’m naturally good at many things, I’m scared shitless to think there might be something I suck at. I’m going to find that thing.

I can feel myself start to curl up. Negotiate about getting too big and justifying the benefits of being small. My inwards already do not like these very ideas written on paper.

There is no safety net to protect me from this. No pillow to soften the fall. I haven’t felt this way since I was 18 trucking to Florida from Indiana alone. I knew how big it was then, almost like I had no choice.

I have to keep reminding myself that the Universe wants to support me. Believes in me. Loves me. 

I’m going to give failing a shot…maybe I’ll succeed. Either outcome will be better than staying the same.